February already?

Posting everyday in December was a total bust. Writing in general has been a bust, as has been running -- two activities I need to keep sane.

I wish I had answers. I feel life has been in a holding pattern for far too long. When do I get to live life? Why should my life revolve around reminding others or cleaning up after others or waiting for everyone to be out so I can clean without disturbing them?

I'm tired of reminding Ashley to fill in her service hours or to be involved with clubs.

I'm tired of tripping over the stuff left out by Don because he always wants things out where he can see them.

I'm tired of Don preferring to sleep on the couch rather than with me. I'm tired of Don preferring to do activities without me (and my having to pick up the slack because of it). I'm tired of Don wanting to be naked around people other than me (and my having to pick up his slack because of it). I'm tired of Don talking to everyone but me. I'm tired of when I do try to talk to Don he doesn't respond or he shuts me out. I'm tired of Don implying things are my fault (I dare clean up a pile of papers, therefore the cat can't rustle them to wake him up, therefore Charlie wakes me up). Can anything be someone else's fault for a while. I'm tired of Don having three weeks off before starting a new job and wanting to do ANYTHING other than work on the to do list for prepping the house to go on the market, even though he told me it is a priority. I'm tired of when he said this summer we would work on that giant list, the only way things get done are if I do them or if I nag.

I shall stop asking him to sort through his boxes.

I shall stop asking him to paint the basement.

I shall put all his crap into a giant pile in a box as soon as he starts his new job so I can stop tripping over it.

I'm happy he is starting a new job he seems at least tepid about (happy when he talks to others, unsure when he talks to me). The last few months have been hard because he does not realize how much he has leaned on me and disrupted my normal routine.

I want him happy in his new job. I want him happy in our marriage. I want him to talk to me. I want him to listen to me.

I realized tonight I am waiting for Lawrence Road Presbyterian Church to fail so Don has time for me again. Of course I don't want it to fail, but Don has been saying for a few years now it will that I lost interest in being a part of the church family. If it won't be around much longer, why invest any energy into it? That and I really feel connected to WiNK and I don't see the need to spend three hours in church every Sunday (an hour plus for WiNK and nearly two hours at LRPC). By the time the morning worship service is over (and Don is done doing stuff for the church and running errands) it is nearly 1 PM. That leaves time for lunch and heading back to church. What is the compromise? Alternate weeks? It doesn't feel fair I give up my worship service because the husband deems where we worship, but the longer we worship apart and the longer we sleep apart, the harder it is for us to come back together.

I wish there was someone I could talk to about all of this. Jan is supposed to be my spiritual adviser, but often he prefers to talk instead of listening. He doesn't understand the depths of my frustrations, probably because I don't know how to go there.

I pray Don hears me. I pray Don listens to me. I pray I hear Don. I pray I listen to Don.

In three and a half years when Ashley graduates and we put the house on the market I wonder if we'll be moving someplace together or starting new lives apart.

I'm tired of waiting. Waiting for Don to find a new job. Waiting for Ashley to be happy at school. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

It is time for me to do what is in my control.

Uncle Al's 70th

Celebrated Uncle Al's 70th. Even with traffic being much lighter because it is a Sunday in Bergen County (Blue Laws) the traffic was enough of a reminder it is good to come home to Mercer County, where others feel this is crowded enough.

Enjoying a quiet night back at home.

Fell asleep

Last night as I was cozy on the couch reading a historical fiction tale of Marlene Dietrich I realized I had not written anything. So much for writing every single day. Couldn't even muster up two days in a row. Aiming instead for twice today. They don't have to be majorly insightful, but I just want them to be.

I tried to write out the Christmas card letter yesterday. Starts off with some really big highs -- lead in the school play, Iceland, seeing "Hamilton," but quickly falls into Don needing a new job and having open heart surgery. Hoping to find a way to change this downward spiral. Fortunately he can drive again, which gives him mobility and a sense of purpose. Hoping he sends out more resumes next week. Only sending out one or two each week will make it harder to land the right job. Surprised he has not heard from the interview he had two weeks ago -- the one that sounded really excited, but needed to wait until after Thanksgiving to me an offer. The one he didn't want to accept, but as more time passes probably would be willing to accept. Must remind myself he still has three months left on his severance package. But then what?

Ashley had a sleepover with one of her new friends. Her mom seems lovely. It feels like a new world. Glad to see she is making some good friends.

Guess that is enough for now.

NaNoWriMo -- try 2

Last month was National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo for short. With Don in the hospital, and me playing chauffeur for the month I totally missed it. I had grand ideas of picking it up by the 15th and continuing, but failed. As Thanksgiving rolled around I decided to wait until December 1 and try again. I won't commit to a word count, or even that this will lead to a novel, but I will commit to trying to write something every day.

Tonight I went to Temple Micah and heard the story of Judith -- who was the precursor to the Hanukkah story. Her tale appears in the Catholic bible, but not in the Presbyterian bible, nor in the Torah. She plies the villain with cheese and wine. Once drunk she slices off his head. Doesn't exactly make for a Disney movie.

Of note, potato latkes (a staple at Hanukkah) did not exist in biblical times. They came about in the 19th century.

Well, it is a start.

Day 2

I started this blog only yesterday with the intention of writing what is on my heart daily. Daily. As in every day. Hmm.. so what is on my heart today?

I read the book "A Man Called Ove" by a Swedish author whose name escapes me. I can relate to Ove in that I feel I am living in suburbia in a lovely neighborhood, but hardly anyone knows me, nor do I know them. In his case he has lived there nearly 40 years. I have been here 16 years. That changes for Ove when someone runs over his mailbox. All of a sudden he has people in his life.

Not sure what those ideas are going, other than they are percolating in my brain.

I've been feeling lonely for a long time now. I've been looking for a change in my life. For a while I thought that change was going to be moving within the same town. Then I thought the change would be a new job working for a local non-profit. I don't want a big change -- like death, illness, divorce, etc. -- but something that takes me out of this rut.

Today I posted a question on FB about the election -- asking people to state positively why they will vote FOR a candidate without saying because the other person is wrong. The responses have been very articulate and respectful. One person said she is voting for Trump because she wants real change -- a thought that sends shivers up and down my spine. "Real change." Isn't this what I have wanted in my life for ages now. REAL CHANGE. When she wrote that and applied it to Trump my first thought was "be careful what you wish for." REAL CHANGE in this case means also possibly throwing away all that is already good and wonderful in our country.

Is the change I am praying for going to be something that throws me for a major loop? Should I be more specific? I know we are to take all of our concerns and worries to God. I know it all happens in his time. I am often left wishing my proverbial crystal ball was not in the shop and that I could see into the future and prepare for it.

So today instead of fretting over having zero employment opportunities on the horizon (I have not even received any requests to write stories this month, and those requests usually show up in the first seven days of each month), and instead focusing on the beautiful 75 degree day by sitting on my swing with my bearded dragon (who was blessed last night) and living in the moment.

God always has our back, even when we don't think he does. So today was a day I tried to let go and let God.

Don't worry, I'll try to take that control away from him again and again because well, that's just how I am.

Don't worry, have patience

Sunday's scripture reading at Worship in a New Key was Psalm 37:1-9, David's song saying "don't worry, have patience."

Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 37:1 This psalm is an acrostic poem, the stanzas of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.

(As a lover of crossword puzzles, I particularly like the footnote at the end.)

Back to my thoughts for what they are worth. When I heard the message in church I thought about how my memoir writing business is taking off much slower than I hoped. I thought it would be a case of build it and they will come. Everyone I talk to imagines someone whose story should be preserved, or more often should have been preserved. Most don't see the value in preserving their story (I think that feels too end of life), but do see the value in preserving history. My eyes dance when I talk about the stories I have collected, and the stories I want to collect. Hearing this read I heard the mantra "do not fret." 

There are other scriptures about worrying never adding another day to one's life (Matthew 6:27 and Luke 12:25). They are good reminders as we face trials. Sometimes it feels the things we worry most about (a bad diagnosis, taking a test, etc.), don't come about. It is easy to then think "I should worry about these things so they don't happen," but worrying doesn't solve anything.

As I pondered this scripture even more I thought about the current US Presidential election. Both sides say the other side is "evil." I have a friend who will not utter the name of the male candidate and instead calls him "the evil one." I know others who as soon as you say something bad about him, retort "she lied" or "she deleted millions of emails." Can we all agree neither one is perfect? They are polar opposites of each other. If you are a self-described Centrist, there is no good choice. Period.

Perhaps if more of us could:

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:

TRUST. Trust in the Lord. Take DELIGHT in the Lord. Even during an election cycle when neither candidate seems that interested in God. Even with so much hate being spewed. Even as we see FB posts comparing "him" to Hitler and "her" as a liar. Even as we lost respect for people we used to love and trust based on how they are voting. 

Even as I struggle to find myself and my voice in this crazy world. Even as I wonder what God has in store for me. Even as I second guess past decisions and fret about current ones. I need to keep reminding myself that God has my back. I need to trust in Him. Even more so, I need to take DELIGHT in Him.

Help me to trust Him. Help me to take delight in Him.

To thine be the glory.
Amen.

God's Constant Presence

Today's Upper Room post quoted Isaiah 43:5: 

Do not be afraid, for I am with you.

The chatty story that went with the quote is of a retired couple downsizing and moving to a new town, and having to find a new church, new friends, a new life. The daughter quoted the scripture and reminded her parents that God is already there waiting for them in their new home. What a reassuring message!

As I face new challenges, I need to keep reminding myself that God is already there, as well as with me at this moment. He is everywhere. He has not and will not abandon me. That is comforting.

Yet, I still struggle with this all the time. I was turned down for another job I thought I was perfect for, and that was perfect for me. I keep thinking about the different times over the past six years when this has happened to me. The librarian positions I did not get. The job at my daughter's school that went to someone else. The position as director of a local non-profit that went to a friend. The position at the church that went to someone else. 

I struggle with "why not me?" Well-meaning friends say when this happens that God has something much better in store for me. My head understands where they are coming from, but my heart still wants that elusive part-time job that will take me away from freelance work and towards steady income. Six years is long enough.

In addition to not worrying, I'll try to remember that God is paving the way for me. He is with me every step of the way, even when, as the Footprints in the Sand poem goes, I only see one set of footprints.

To God Be the Glory.

Amen.