Posting everyday in December was a total bust. Writing in general has been a bust, as has been running -- two activities I need to keep sane.
I wish I had answers. I feel life has been in a holding pattern for far too long. When do I get to live life? Why should my life revolve around reminding others or cleaning up after others or waiting for everyone to be out so I can clean without disturbing them?
I'm tired of reminding Ashley to fill in her service hours or to be involved with clubs.
I'm tired of tripping over the stuff left out by Don because he always wants things out where he can see them.
I'm tired of Don preferring to sleep on the couch rather than with me. I'm tired of Don preferring to do activities without me (and my having to pick up the slack because of it). I'm tired of Don wanting to be naked around people other than me (and my having to pick up his slack because of it). I'm tired of Don talking to everyone but me. I'm tired of when I do try to talk to Don he doesn't respond or he shuts me out. I'm tired of Don implying things are my fault (I dare clean up a pile of papers, therefore the cat can't rustle them to wake him up, therefore Charlie wakes me up). Can anything be someone else's fault for a while. I'm tired of Don having three weeks off before starting a new job and wanting to do ANYTHING other than work on the to do list for prepping the house to go on the market, even though he told me it is a priority. I'm tired of when he said this summer we would work on that giant list, the only way things get done are if I do them or if I nag.
I shall stop asking him to sort through his boxes.
I shall stop asking him to paint the basement.
I shall put all his crap into a giant pile in a box as soon as he starts his new job so I can stop tripping over it.
I'm happy he is starting a new job he seems at least tepid about (happy when he talks to others, unsure when he talks to me). The last few months have been hard because he does not realize how much he has leaned on me and disrupted my normal routine.
I want him happy in his new job. I want him happy in our marriage. I want him to talk to me. I want him to listen to me.
I realized tonight I am waiting for Lawrence Road Presbyterian Church to fail so Don has time for me again. Of course I don't want it to fail, but Don has been saying for a few years now it will that I lost interest in being a part of the church family. If it won't be around much longer, why invest any energy into it? That and I really feel connected to WiNK and I don't see the need to spend three hours in church every Sunday (an hour plus for WiNK and nearly two hours at LRPC). By the time the morning worship service is over (and Don is done doing stuff for the church and running errands) it is nearly 1 PM. That leaves time for lunch and heading back to church. What is the compromise? Alternate weeks? It doesn't feel fair I give up my worship service because the husband deems where we worship, but the longer we worship apart and the longer we sleep apart, the harder it is for us to come back together.
I wish there was someone I could talk to about all of this. Jan is supposed to be my spiritual adviser, but often he prefers to talk instead of listening. He doesn't understand the depths of my frustrations, probably because I don't know how to go there.
I pray Don hears me. I pray Don listens to me. I pray I hear Don. I pray I listen to Don.
In three and a half years when Ashley graduates and we put the house on the market I wonder if we'll be moving someplace together or starting new lives apart.
I'm tired of waiting. Waiting for Don to find a new job. Waiting for Ashley to be happy at school. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
It is time for me to do what is in my control.
